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A Guide for Being the "Ultimate" Parent

We all know what a bad parent looks like: intolerant, constantly critical, more interested in their own affairs (in both senses of the word) than in the needs of their children. But what does it take to be a good parent? What does it take to give your children the very best start to life that you possibly can?

In the 1960's John Bowlby did a lot of work looking into the effects of parenting on children. In those days he coined the term "good-enough parenting". His thesis was that provided you avoided the sins of "bad" parenting, you were doing okay, and your children, with their own natural resilience, would also do okay. So is that all there is to it? Or are there things that you, as a parent, can do to be more than just a "good enough" parent. Can you, indeed, be a "super parent", even the "ultimate" parent? Or is that just a myth of the feminist movement?

First, let's clear this up: no one is the perfect parent. It's not possible for you to do everything right, every moment, every year of your child's life. Nor should you make that your goal. There's some truth Bowlby's concept of "good enough" - you don't need to be concerned with being perfect. Your kids WILL survive childhood and sometimes being "Good enough" is good enough.

But, like most parents, you probably have higher standards for your children than just average. There are things you can do, changes you can make to your attitude, that will give your kids the best development they could possible have. And, you can take some of the pressure off yourself at the same time. The following techniques can help you with your parenting skills so you can soon call the "ultimate" parent:

1) Remember that you are a fallible human being. You are not Superman or Wonder Woman, able to be all things to all people. Besides making mistakes along the way, you will have your own dysfunction from your past to deal with. It's attitude, not perfection that matters here.

How do you have the right attitude? Start by being humble. Try to recognize that you are still learning, and be willing to learn from your mistakes. A sign of maturity is to recognize that you occasionally make mistakes but that you work on making changes to your life and attitude.

Of course, there's also a danger of constantly putting yourself down by telling yourself that you are no good. Allow yourself to occasional make mistakes and celebrate when you are successful. Only focus on the past as long as it takes you to learn and make changes, then move forward in the direction YOU want to go. Of course, if you have serious problems, get help.

2) Recognise you are playing a percentage game. We have all heard of them: the kids from the most abusive, deprived backgrounds who somehow manage to make huge successes of themselves. And the kids from the very best of families (as demonstrated by their siblings) who somehow go off the rails into drugs and crime.

The truth is that parents are only a part of a child's journey to adulthood. They are subject to peer pressure, advice and examples from relatives, teachers, store clerks, TV (a big one), magazines and their own genes. There is simply no way to control all these factors. You can be an "ultimate" parent and still end up with messed up children. On the other hand you can be an abusive alcoholic and your kids might end up doing well. There are no guarantees in life.

So you play the probabilities. Of course you know that if your children are abused they are more than likely going to turn out bad. Clearly, being abusive to your children is a terrible idea. Using fair and consistent parenting and direction is far more likely to product good results.

You success as a parent is NOT determined by how well your children turn out. It IS determined by whether you did all you reasonably could to do the right things and make the right decisions for them, WITH THE KNOWLEDGE YOU HAD AT THE TIME. Maybe those decisions turn out to be the wrong ones. So be it. That does not mean you failed as a parent. But, if you were too lazy to get the facts, if you just took the easiest decision without thinking about the impact on your children, then, I believe, you have failed - even if it turns out that the decision was the right one!

3) Remain aware that you have other people and things in your own life. Too many of us these days start thinking that children come before anything or anyone else. I agree that we must think of what's best for them, but we have to keep other things in mind as well.

For instance, some parents wouldn't consider accepting a new position in a different city if it meant uprooting their family - taking your children away from their school and their friends.

There has to be a balance in our children's lives. By putting them first exclusively you run the danger of teaching your children that their needs and interests matter above anyone else. You are creating a selfish "me first" child. Of course we should consider our families needs when making decisions, but ultimately you have to do what's in the best interest of the entire family.

4) Keep your focus on the long term. Bringing up children can be a long process. Keep in mind your long term goals for your children - how do you want them to turn out as adults? What values, morals and interests do you have in mind? You need to think about what your children need to attain those skills and character traits.

Parents are often faced with a choice between a short-term, easy fix for something or taking a more difficult path that will be more beneficial in the long-run. A classic example is how we use the TV. The easy way to entertain your children is to turn on the TV and let it take over for you. It's a great way to keep them quiet and in one place. When you really think about it, isn't it a better idea to do something constructive and fun with them? You can build models, make a soft toy, or assemble a puzzle. These are all a little more time consuming for you, but so much better for the kids. It's also a terrific bonding experience for all of you.

5) Focus on the positives. Of course your children will make mistakes - just like you do. The most important thing to do (and to teach them) is to learn to forgive and move on. Correct your children gently and then encourage them to go on. Children desperately need there parent's attention. If you focus your attention on what's wrong, that's where they'll focus as well. Spend your time on the positive things and your children will do it just to get your positive attention.

6) Don't waiver. Keep believing in you. If you're following the steps you've read here, then you are well on your way to becoming a great parent. Sometimes your kids or interfering relatives will criticize your methods or decisions. Unless you see some valid new points, don't let them get to you. Don't be afraid to say NO if you need to. This applies to both your relatives and your children.

Your decisions won't always be perfect. Sometimes you'll make mistakes and wish you could change the results, but it's far better to stick with your decisions than constantly be wishy-washy. Your children watch you and learn from your decision making and how you handle pressure. If you are consistent, your children will learn by your example.

Article Source: http://www.inpop.net

For more expert tips on child behavior problems and for his excellent book, why not visit Dr. Noel Swanson's website? You can also find many more of Dr. Noel Swanson free articles on parenting here.
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